Day 2: Where I see myself

Well...I'm super behind on writing everyday! Bear with me.

Running. Feet pounding the earth, heart pounding in the ears. Tears filled with disappointment...feet pounding driving her to a place far away. From the looks of things jealousy, hatred, and contempt filled her heart...so much anxiety. Mistreated, vulnerable, uncertain and scared....what else was there do but run??

This is the story of Hagar. I see myself in her. 

Fuming of frustration. A promise was no given, but no blessing in sight. Faith is growing weary. Why, why must you make me wait? Jaded and burn out, bitterness storing up and lack of trust was in heart. 

This is the story of Sarai. I see myself in her.

I am not stranger to fear. No, I have not been a slave, I have not been mistreated and abused. But I have experienced the kind of fear, the kind that both paralyzes you and tells you that the the only ways to escape is to RUN!

I am no stranger to fear. It is sneaky, it slithers its way into my life at the move to this appointment.

Fear is such a paralyzing emotion. It is robbing my vitality, decision making ability, trust, and strength.

My first instinct, it be like Hagar and RUN...jealousy, some hatred and contempt has filled my heart in ways I didn't know had...you see fear also has masks and it not until you are staring it in the face that you come to truths to what it really is...I'm so uncertain in my current appointment, so lost and SO very scared of what is not happening...

Along with Sarai, I'm fuming in frustration with trying to figure my place in ministry, what is my role? God, you promised you would go before me..where ARE you? My faith is depleted, I have bitterness stored up and there is plenty of lack trust...

I have now been in my appointment for 3 months and I hear

Do you trust me??

Big words. Big question. Sure I do? A slow nod in response, a quizzical expression on my face.

Do you trust me???

Let me be frank, I still cannot answer this question. Fear has a grip on my little heart. So many uncertainties.

It begs an answer and it always involves a heart change. My little heart has lots of questions and hurt. I do not trust Him in my current stage yet He gentle nudges:

My heart is good for you. I will do immeasurably more than you know how to ask for. Trust me...

So friends, here I am. Struggling, aching, questioning, wandering...

And so this is a beginning to a very scary, very meaningful tip toe faith. Here is my journey from fear to faith...

xoxo

Bee


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