Day 3 Fear is no island

At first, it's devastating. You're overwhelmed by the new surroundings, and terrified you'll never, ever be able to leave. But by each new day, taking small steps...you're learning to survive.

You adapt, you get stronger, deep breathe in deep breathe out You Got This!

Eventually, you build quite a little raft to sail yourself back to reality. You're greeted with great excitement, and everyone comments on how you good you look..that beautiful glowing skin and inner peace.

You have no desire to return back, but you look back as the place where you grew in to a better person.

Fear is not at all like being stranded on an island with an awesome self help book.

After Micah was born, I was gifted with darling oneies and postpartum depression.It felt as though someone just thrown me into a room, door locked, key thrown away. Just me. Alone.

My initial reaction was confusion. How did I get here? Is it because I haven't processed the death of my mother and my sister? Am I really depressed? Am I going crazy? If so, how in the world was I suppose to leave?

FEAR was closing in, fear was grabbing a hold of me. FEAR IS TERRIFYING! Postpartum depression is R E A L!

As I curled up feeling isolated, I realized two things:

First, I needed to face the woman in the mirror. I needed to take in the woman I have become. The woman who was yelling at  to her son Micah who refuses to go sleep and continues to wake up. The woman who attackes her husband every chance she gets, The  woman who has so much built up frustration at God, that she doesn't sometimes recognize who He is and where He is.

The second, I needed to tell someone. I have to ask for help. I have to say the words. It means I can't escape fear or depression on my own.

I had to give up all my pat answers:

"I'm fine"
"Everything is good"
"Just having a hard time, We all go through these right?"
"Ministry is great,"
"We love it here"

I had to release these little tidy lies.

I'm slowly learning that I do not have to be okay..to be perfect. No one is. I'm learning that I'm not the only one!


I just need someone that is in the trench, at this very moment.

As I journey from fear to Faith, I'm learning to put my fear aside and ask the question "will you help me?" "will you journey with me?"

Fear still plagues me everyday, but I'm certain these small wonderful baby steps that are happening will tip toe myself away from fear and back to faith,


xoxo

Bee





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